Monday, July 25, 2011

North Korea and Escalating Preposterousness

The North Korean women's soccer team was kicked out of the women's world cup for steroid use. The reason given for the postitive tests for steroids was the fact that some members of the team were taking oriental medicine made from some kind of deer gland. The reason why they were taking this medicine was because they were struck by lightning.

Let's review, not one but five women were all struck by lightning at a training camp on June 8th.

To treat their wounds they were given musk deer glands.

A month after getting struck by lightning they compete in the world cup.

Two very plausible scenarios seem to be at work here. 1. North Koreans are the worst liars ever.

I remember when I was in my teens, I worked as a Taekwondo instructor. We had a kid who had some problems. The kid was very smart, but he had a hard time keeping control of himself. One day he went into the locker room and knocked over a row of lockers. I asked him what happened, and he told me some story about a camera appearing out of nowhere and taking a picture of what happened. It actually sounded like the plot to the "Goosebumps," book Say Cheese and Die. Somehow I feel like this kid went to work for the North Korean sports association. I can see the conference.

A: "Oh shit we got caught doping, what do we tell them?"

B: "I know, they ate musk deer glands."

A: "Genius, but why did they take musk deer glands?"

B:"Ah, I know because all five of them were struck by lighting at once."

A:"Good idea. I was struck by lightning seven times today on my way to work. Luckily my wife packed me a lunch with some deer glands in it, or I would have been hurting all day."

B: "Your wife is such a fox."

The second plausible scenario is that they are just that unlucky. They are from North Korea after all. Who else would make a lightning strike victim play in a soccer game a month after their accident? Where else would you get a crazy bolt of lightning that takes out five people? Also besides South Korea, and China, where else would you get doctors crazy enough to think that a deer gland would help people who had been struck by lightning?

And then to compound everything on top of that massive shit storm of bad luck, it turns out that deer glands make you test positive for steroids.

It would be nice if this were the book of Job, and these women can just put their faith in God who will heal them and pay them back, but they have to go back to North Korea and live with a crazy ajuma and her spoiled fat ass son.

1 comment:

Flint said...

I like your steroid explanation. :) I have been waiting for something like that to be released as the official DPRK excuse. :)