Friday, May 27, 2011

My All Important Superduper Fantastic Rules for Fitting in In Korea

This blog post is satire. I am a professional satirist with a notarized degree in satire from the University of Western Ontario. I am also the only authority on anything in Korea. I have a C.V. on my blog listing things that I have published on my personal travel blog as an accomplishment. Everyone in the world knows that I am the foremost expert on anything Korean so if you want to know anything about fitting in in Korea this is what you have to read. Everything else will cause your eyes to spontaneously combust in their sockets.

1. Be born out of a Korean woman's vagina.
2. If you are not Korean, are from a non Asian country, can speak Korean pretty well, and are an attractive woman, try to get on T.V.
3. Avoid cross cultural surprises by being polite, but also by not liking anything that is blatantly Korean. Don't be seen in public eating Kimchi. Make sure all of your Korean friends know that you have to follow a strict diet of Hamburgers and Tacos.
4. If you go to some kind of musical event, be sure to talk the whole time about how your friends back in Idaho can do a better job.
5. If you are American, spend August 15th saying "your welcome," to everybody.
6. If you do end up eating Korean food, pretend that everything is just way to spicy. If you go out for Kimchi Jiggae, be sure to take one spoonful and then spend the rest of the night drinking cold water and hyperventilating.
7. Play starcraft.
8. Koreans appreciate the extra English practice, don't speak Korean.
9. If you slip up and eat Kimchi and soju in a way that makes Korean people take notice enough to comment on the fact that they think that you are almost Korean, reply by saying that being Korean is what you have always wanted.
10. Take interest in one of the countries sports stars. Wallpaper your one room with pictures of Kim Yeon-ah. Take a think of lipstick and draw hearts around her head on the pictures. Frame that one photo of her where she is shooting her finger gun, and keep lit candles around it.
11. As a man over thirty who still carries a pencil case, think nothing of the fact that you have a cut out picture of After-school member Uee taped to the inside.
12. Be nice to people. When kids point at you and say "foreigner," or "hello," be sure to give them the attention that they deserve, follow them home and give them a free English lesson.
13. Get interested in Korean things, if you didn't like dramas like CSI back in your home country, you can watch that fucking show like fifteen times a day on OCN. You can meet Koreans who watch that show to, and then you will have something to talk about.
14. Did you know that Nicholas Cage is married to a Korean woman. He is my favorite actor now. "Knowing," was an awesome move.

If you have any more ideas, please send me an e-mail. I will read your e-mails with interest. Mostly because 75% of the e-mails I get are from investment newsletters, or from facebook telling me that someone I don't know commented on something that someone I do know wrote.

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